Couples Who Pray Together

An Article by Geneva Cobb Iijima

In Matthew 18:10 Jesus made a special promise to couples, "If two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven." (RSV).

This promise, of course, is not limited to married couples, but who else can agree so deeply? Who else needs such prayer so badly?

Couple prayer, as I call it, can be a powerful tool in deepening your communication and commitment to each other. Here are some keys to help you and your mate along the road to openness in prayer.

Begin Gently

Ann and David hadn't always prayed together. They both wanted to, but Ann confesses she had low self-esteem.

"I felt David was more spiritual than I," she explained. "I thought he wouldn't think the things I prayed about were important."

David finally persuaded her to try, however. "We began with just a few sentences each," Ann remembers. "Gradually, I began to feel more comfortable about praying with him. I don't know how we'd have made it through recent crises if we hadn't learned to pray together."

If your spouse is like Ann, here are some ways you can help.

• Don't push. Go easy. This sounds simple, but it's difficult when you know how powerful couple prayer is.
• Be sensitive. Your spouse may want to pray with you, but finds it difficult. As you become more open in other areas, you will become more open in prayer too.
• Let your spouse know you value his or her prayers. "I'd really appreciate it if you'd pray for me as you go through the day. I'm scared about. . . ."
• Mealtime prayers are a start. Hold hands around the table. You may be able to introduce a little more depth by suggesting, "When you pray at dinner, would you mind praying for the medical tests I'm having tomorrow?"
• Pray with the children. Some spouses feel more free in praying aloud with the children than alone together.
• Share prayer requests and pray together silently before going to sleep. If the reluctant spouse doesn't feel his prayer is being judged, he may be more willing.
• Pray together in times of crisis. One woman told me. "When there is a specific need, we pray better."

Make Time

In these days of two-career families and busy schedules, making time for couple prayer can be difficult, but others have succeeded. With the Lord's help, you can too.

One of the following options may work for you.

• Set the alarm a few minutes earlier in the morning. Catherine Marshall and her husband, Len LeSourd, set their coffee pot timer each night. In the morning they would awaken to the aroma of fresh coffee perking. They would pour a up of coffee and sit propped up in bed as they prayed and studied the Bible.
• If you breakfast together, pray then. I feel better about the day when I've heard Pete pray for me and our children.
• Pray before going to bed. It can be comforting to share together with Jesus about both the day's blessings and problems before going to sleep.
• Pray on the telephone together at lunch or another convenient time during the day. This is also a lovely way to keep in touch when one spouse is out of town.
• Take time for spontaneous prayers when a need arises.

If you absolutely do not have a time when you can pray together on a daily basis, agree to set aside some extra space once a week. You might center in on prayer on a Saturday morning or Sunday evening. Make it special. Share a Scripture or two to set the tone.

Experiment

Once you've decided to incorporate couple prayer into your schedule, experiment with different prayer styles to find one you and your spouse feel fits your needs.

Conversational prayer. This prayer style is like an informal conversation, but it does include all the necessary elements of prayer. It begins with praise, continues to confession of sin and finishes with requests. Conversation flows back and forth, as each partner prays spontaneously. Jesus is recognized as a participant. Short silences are accepted as times when He may be speaking.

Structured conversational prayer. Begin as in conversational prayer. When you are ready to make requests, one spouse leads out with a concern. The other should continue that prayer from his/her own perspective.

The husband may pray for Johnnie to understand his mathematics concepts better. The wife may continue with praying for patience on the part of the teacher or herself in working with him. The wife then prays about a subject of concern to her. When she finishes, her husband continues that prayer, adding his own thoughts about it. He then introduces another prayer request.

This method of prayer helps each partner concentrate on the prayer of the other, since he will continue the same subject.

Traditional prayers. In this style of prayer, one person prays about all of her concerns. Then the other prays about all his concerns. If you like things structured, you may feel more comfortable with this style.

Traditional prayer requires more concentration on the part of the agreeing (listening) spouse. So, avoid lengthy prayers, unless they are meaningful to both of you.

Pray with - Not at - Your Spouse

My husband, Pete, and I faced our own crisis over prayer in the first month of our marriage. Each evening we'd kneel by the sofa and pour out our hearts to God. Then one night before we prayed, Pete looked at me and said, "Sometimes I feel like you pray at me."

"What?" I asked, stricken.

"When you pray, 'Lord, help us do this or that,' I feel like you are really pointing out what you think I should be doing," he explained.

I knew he was right, but how could he criticize my prayers to God?

Devastated, my emotions erupted in uncontrolled sobbing. When there were no more tears, we discovered that our ability to be vulnerable in prayer together had vanished. Many years passed before it was restored.

Here are some suggestions on how to keep your prayer time a positive experience.

• Don't preach. Unless a spouse asks prayer about an area where you think he needs improvement, it's wise to keep quiet.
• Find the common ground. You don't have to agree with your mate on everything about a situation in order to pray together over it. Decide on the "bottom line" and pray about that.
• Accept yourself and your mate. Some people are naturally more reticent than others. They may consider prayer a private thing or are more regimented. They are often matched with more open mates. Learn to appreciate these differences.
• Focus on Jesus. One wife told me, "Sometimes I feel like we're praying to each other, rather than to God." To avoid that danger, center your thoughts on Jesus. Sing a worship song, have a short praise time, or read a Psalm together.
• Persevere. Anything new feels awkward at first, and Satan will discourage you, if he can. If you miss a day or two, don't give up.

Things worthwhile usually do take time. I pray the day will come when you'll say to your spouse, "I don't know how I'd have gotten through this day (or week) without your prayers."

Originally published as "How To Pray With Your Spouse" in Home Life magazine. Copyright Geneva Cobb Iijima; reproduction with permission prohibited. Please contact Geneva Cobb Iijima for information about reprint rights.