The Fine Art of Saying "I'm Sorry" To Your Children

An Article by Geneva Cobb Iijima

When Cami was voted a freshman princess for the high school winter dance, she was so happy she hardly even thought about the fact she'd need a date. In her family dates were prohibited until age 16. When her dad heard of it, he thought she'd planned the whole thing to get past THE RULE. He blew up. Before the evening was over, Cami was in tears. "I wish I'd never even won princess," she sobbed.

The next morning, however, Cami's dad surprised her with an apology for over-reacting. Then he tried extra hard to make the occasion memorable, while at the same time building into the evening age-appropriate safeguards. He approved the boy she asked and required that an adult chaperone them to and from the dance.

I learned early on that I'm not a perfect parent. I make mistakes, misjudge situations and sometimes lose my temper. (Don't we all!) My apology won't undo the damage, but it will help restore my relationship with my children.

If we willingly admit our faults to our kids, they'll usually look up to us more, not less. Her dad's honesty strengthened Cami's respect for him and increased her willingness to follow his guidelines.

If we don't ask forgiveness for a wrong we have committed, it can drive a wedge between our children and us. Bitterness can develop and poison our relationship for years to come.

When should I apologize to my child?

If I wrong a friend, I apologize. I respect my children enough to do the same for them. Even a very small child will understand the meaning of an apology. My friend, Jeanine, admitted, "Some mornings I lose my temper with my son when he dawdles getting ready for school. Rather than send him off hurt and angry though, I always give him a hug before the bus comes and tell him I'm sorry."

" 'It's okay, Mom,' he says happily and squeezes me in return before he goes out the door."

In THE KEY TO YOUR CHILD'S HEART, Gary Smalley tells of an incident when he hurt his son by punishing him unjustly. During an important telephone call, his five-year-old began screaming so loudly that he couldn't hear. He hurriedly finished the call, and paddled the child for screaming while he was on the phone. Then Smalley realized that in his frustration, he had not asked for an explanation. When he did, he learned the child had fallen and cut himself. Ashamed, Smalley sincerely asked forgiveness and then spent time talking with his son, hugging him, allowing him time to heal from the hurt.

When we apologize to a child we show him respect. Being respected by an adult--especially a parent--increases his self-esteem.

Apologizing to a child also models appropriate behavior for him. Roberta has a retarded son who is sometimes stubborn. Her husband, Tom, occasionally loses patience with him. Once he punished the child in anger. Afterwards, Tom told him he was sorry for disciplining him while still angry. Then he apologized to the other children as well--for being a poor example. "Tom's willingness to be open with the children has helped all of us be more considerate of each other," she says. "Our children often ask forgiveness when they have wronged each other or one of us."

What To Do When You Are Both At Fault

We cannot force a child to ask forgiveness--not from the heart--but we can provide an example for him to follow.

When we apologize we should concentrate on our own wrong. Jeanine's apology for losing patience with her son before school would have been useless if she had added, "But you were really being a slow-poke, you know." Of course, later she might want to talk with him about ways to be ready on time.

How To Say "I'm Sorry"

1. Be sincere. Look at the situation from the child's perspective. Feel his hurt. Speak from the heart.

2. State the offense honestly. For example, "This morning I broke my promise to take you fishing . . . ."

3. Express sincere sorrow over the offense. Look the child in the eye and say, "I'm very sorry that I did that."

4. Specifically ask forgiveness. "Would you please forgive me?"

5. Don't make excuses. If I say, "I'm sorry I broke my promise, but . . . ." I'm telling my child he's second on my priority list. I've already told him that by breaking the promise. If there are circumstances I must explain, I need to avoid excusing myself for my wrongdoing.

6. Learn from the experience. Sometimes thinking through a situation enough to apologize for it will give helpful insights. Tom realized that one of the sources of frustration with his retarded son was the helplessness he felt in the face of the child's handicap. Clearly, he needed to accept his son as he was, not as he wished he were.

What Can I Do If My Apology Is Not Accepted

If my child does not accept my apology, I need to be gentle. I might ask, "Have I hurt you in some other ways?" I may have repeatedly shown an inconsiderate attitude that has deeply wounded my youngster. If so, I will try to understand his feelings, apologize for that attitude, and take steps to show him that I am changing.

When the principal of our youngest daughter, Crystal's, middle school retired, I spoke briefly at a gathering of her classmates and their parents. To illustrate the principal's good rapport with the students, I quoted Crystal as saying he was "awesome," but I hadn't asked her permission. The comment seemed innocent to me, but it embarrassed her. Though I told her I was sorry, I couldn't understand why she was upset. After all, the speech had gone well for me, so probably the apology didn't ring true for her. That hurt festered in her for a long time-until I saw the situation from the perspective of a young teen. Only when she sensed I understood her feelings and was truly sorry, did she let go of it.

It can also be that something else is happening in the child's life that makes it difficult for him to accept the apology-emotional swings of puberty, struggles with self-esteem or fear. I try to talk it out, but if that doesn't help, I commit the situation to God and wait patiently for Him to bring about change.

When Is An Apology Not Needed?

At times children blame us for everything from the pimples on their faces to the fact that they can't have everything they want. Even our society blames many of our children's faults on us, the parents. An apology is not needed for things we can't help. Like us, our children need to recognize that many things just are and have to be accepted that way.

Neither is an apology needed when my child misunderstands my actions. What is needed is communication. A parent may say, "I'm truly sorry you were hurt by what I said (or did). This is why I did it . . . ."

Like Cami's dad, I've learned that by asking forgiveness from my children when I'm wrong, I allow a more open relationship to grow between us. Even when an apology is not textbook perfect, children recognize the sincerity behind it. Our honesty opens new doors of communication and releases us from the stress of feeling we always have to be perfect.

Originally published in Focus on the Family magazine. Copyright Geneva Cobb Iijima; reproduction without permission prohibited. Please contact Geneva Cobb Iijima for information about reprint rights.